Humorous Review of iPhone 5, iPod Touch 5 and iPod Nano

Presenting iPhone 5..

iPhone 5 is undoubtedly our best product!

It’s kind of high-tech hamburger stuffed with microchips on top of which we poured sauce from retina display.

The only thing that I don’t understand is the natural phenomenon due to which your brand new iPhone once a year becomes a total crap.

For example, on September 11 your iPhone 4S is wonderful and genial. At the reception of Elizabeth II you cut on its screen little tomatoes.

But on September 12, after the presentation of Apple, your iPhone 4S becomes a stupid device only good for homeless and countries of the third world.

Well, this is just unexplainable law of nature, one of the commandments of Universe, and we can do nothing about it. I call it “Schrödinger’s iPhone”. That is, you keep in hands the box with your iPhone, and it is simultaneously both awesome and crap.

Because next year there’ll be iPhone 6, and you will be ashamed to give iPhone 5 even to a beggar in the street. He will simply spit in your face.

iPhone 5

Of course, the main feature of iPhone 5 - besides the fact that it cures cancer and raises your IQ by 60 points - is the screen. I am sure that you’ve never seen anything like that! The point is that our new product has the elongated screen.

In our company we call it “wide screen”. This name is patented, and if you have any problems with it – we will meet in the court.

You’ve never seen anything like that in mobile devices. It is the stunning wide 4-inch screen on which you can enjoy your favorite movies and games.

I don’t know why no company in the world except Apple thought of such idea – to make wide screen! Maybe it was some divine inspiration. Divine elongated screen.

I’ll tell you even more… If you don’t use iPhone, then you don’t love Jesus, and America, and Steve Jobs, and LSD, and the special Black Jesus invented especially for Barack Obama. And if you don’t like all that - then maybe you are… terrorist?!

The screen is produced according to Super AMOLED RETINA 3GP technology. It is 0.2% brighter and 0.07% clearer than the screens of all our competitors in the next 3 years. And this is patented, and if you have any problems with it – we will meet in the court.

Also on our screens children look 40% happier and 60% richer than in the pictures taken by some, say, Motorola C650.

Of course, we renovated our operational system, and iOS 6 will have more than 8,000 new functions, such as full screen browser, and… err… umm… 5 rows of icons roll out!

Innovative nature of new iPhone is accented by the new connector. It is absolutely stunning and it transmits the information faster than the speed of light! We used the special patented technology on the basis of accelerated protons.

Therefore, downloading information to iPhone5 happens before this information is created. For example, new movies will be uploaded to your phone even before their scenarios have been written.

Also, the connectors are two-sided. Therefore, any monkey or participant of some reality show will be able to connect it to the hole.

Of course, I must mention the wonderful material of which the frame is made. They are… present.

Actually, I had an idea to create iPhone without the frame. And I even patented it, just in case. But the details were simply falling out of hands and nothing worked.

We, in Apple, explored more than billion of ears to create our impressive headphones “AirPhones” which anyway will be thrown into trash bin by every sane person who respects music.

iPod Touch 5

Since I started talking about music, of course, it’s worth to tell you about the 5th generation of iPod Touch.

This is such iPhone for poor people. Since with it you can’t show off in the street accepting the calls. Sure, you can pretend that this is iPhone 5. But we intentionally made for iPod Touch different design.

And the main “zest” of iPod Touch will become this special armband. Creation of this loop was inspired by one of our colleagues.

It was the next day after Steve Jobs death. I came to work and saw that my grieving colleague hanged himself in the office.

And I thought – “Oh, God, he hanged himself!”

“Hanged himself? Loop on the hand! Let’s quickly run to the patent bureau.”

iPod Nano

And our third product is iPod Nano.

Apple is very tolerant company. Therefore the new iPod Nano looks like iPhone.

It is such iPhone for midgets and children. They have small hands but big strange heads. I think that they are plotting something evil. Hence, damn midgets! Stop scaring me! You now have your own little iPhone. Shut up already!

Here we have awesome 2.5 inch display on which you can watch movies - especially the multi-million blockbusters, like “Transformers”.

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In conclusion I’d like to say that Apple is always at the intersection of design and technology. This is what Steve Jobs was saying. And look what happened to him.

Thus, now we will have more cores, more MHz. And the new iPhone will run on Android. We already patented the slowing of interface.

Stay with Apple and you will be successful…