How to Kill Terrorists at The Most Intimate Timing

“We will follow the terrorists everywhere. If in airport – then in airport. And, please forgive me, if we corner them in the toilet, in the end we will waste them in the toilet. That’s it, this question is closed.”

It happened this summer. The local villagers reported about two suspicious men who were regularly appearing in the narrow strip of forest near their village.

The area was cordoned off and the soldiers of special forces were sent to search the territory. Here is what one of them said:

“I was wading through the bushes and went out to an area full of garbage. There I saw this guy “laying a larva” [ed: Russian slang for defecating]. He saw me, his eyes bulged, and “larvae” started quickly dropping out of him, like out of cow – slap-slap-slap.

I whisper to him: “No sound! What are you doing here?” He stutters – “Po-po-poo-pooping“.

And then I noticed something wrapped around his penis.
Shit, I think to myself, here we are – they already attach explosives to their c**ks. Now he will connect the wires and kill us all with his TNT member.

He asked me in a whisper: “Can I put on my pants?“
I myself stutter and continue looking at his penis. “Stay where you sit, bitch!” – I say.

But he gets up and puts his hand in pocket. I shoot a burst. From my right other guys shoot at him, too. He falls face down, and I think – “thanks God, he covered the explosives with himself …“

Afterwards our engineers determined that this “Shahid” didn’t have any explosives on his baby-maker. He simply got that gonorrhea or other weird s**t which he tried to treat with Levomekol [ointment]. And in order to achieve the maximum effect he would wrap it with a pack, over it some nylon and then adhesive tape, so that it wouldn’t fall down. But in his pocket, which he tried to reach with his hand, he indeed had a grenade.

The second terrorist heard the shots, but did not hurry to help. He grabbed the gun and rushed in the opposite direction. He had light clothes, therefore the men in armor had hard time to catch him.

However, the young bandit ran towards the cordon – so nobody worried too much. As they say, what you can’t catch – the bullet will catch.

***

Here he is. Died in the best traditions of terrorists – in the pile of trash.

And here is the second one, our amateur runner. Also, as a true mujahideen, died leaving his comrade and trying to save his butt.

And this is how their “camp” looked.

Khattabka, pretty suicide belt, explosives and religious literature – everything one needs for a life in forest.

Entrance to the “camp”.

Other stuff of bandits.

And closeup of explosives.